For Sale: Fake Friends

It began innocently. Someone’s friend was selling Pampered Chef kitchen goods, and someone else told me that I couldn’t LIVE without the mini spatula, and despite the fact that I bake about as frequently as I compete in Ironman Triathlons, I nodded gamely and made the purchase.

'Madam, could I sell you a collection of encyclopedias that you’ll probably never read?'

(Confession: It’s a remarkably handy utensil that allows me to flip eggs like Al Pacino in Frankie and Johnny. I really don’t know how I lived without it… apparently I spent most of my twenties serving my house guests ragged brownies and dented pancakes. No buyer’s remorse here!)

Within a week, the emails began sneaking in, undeterred by my spam filter and piss-poor attitude.  Continue reading